October 05, 2005

for a reason/ land of nod

ive been trying ti write something for sometime now buti just cant seem to find anything interesting to write. ive started a couple of times but they just ran out juice after the first paragraph. but its like a sort of release when i write and it always makes me feel better about my life. thats not to say that my life sucks and its all shit but its been a low period of late.
 
you see i've always held to the belief that my presence had some purpose.that there was something that only i could do, my destiny, something that was completely and totally me. this probably is the reason behind so many of the decisions i've made so far. but of late, the circumstances of my continued existence seem to have become slightly stagnant. why or how i do not know and this leads me to the problem. if you do not know the problem, its difficult to find a solution. i wouldnt say that it's impossible; never confuse the improbable with the impossible!!
 
to make things worse, the last two days have been really shitty. before i go into that, im going to share my phillosophy on work. its something i read somewhere. work like u dont need the money. and if you think about it its almost the only way to be happy. for instance, when you working on something that you really like, money become almost inconsequential. its more like an added attraction rather that the main event. but when money is the only motivator, happiness just flies out of the window. its depressing. and i just realised im gonna have to work like that for a couple of months if i'm going to get my life back on track. and to top it all, my phone's gone a dead. that means im almost disconnected. and that is very very bad.
 
life here has a really ethereal feel. its like everything is just a dream. that soon im going to wake up and be in madras again. madras where everything is real. everything is normal. life here, for me, is subnormal. nothing seems to break the surface of reality. like living in the land of nod. in the sub state between asleep and awake. fragile, transcient but almost , almost, real. its not always happy but i know i'm going to wake up soon.
 
that reminds me. im a really wierd sleeper. i do all sorts of funny stuff. once on a bus, niki and i were on our way to bangalore and sometime in the night i decided to visit Nod. i suddenly get an elbow jabbed into my side and my bro telling me to shut up. apparently i had been laughing really loudly. haha...
 
the day before, i dreamt that i was taking care of some children. why? fuck knows. but i ended up singing, in the dream and out loud. madness i tell you. i have even slept with my eyes open.
 
i shall now end this extremely disjoint episode of my life with a slight anitclimax and actually go to sleep. hopefully i shall not sing or laugh or any other evidence of mental instability. one must keep up one's appearance, must one not?!!!
Posted by sana at 21:06:56 | Permanent Link | Comments (1) |

times like these

i woke up this morning and i knew that there was something special about today. its not like anything had changed magically through the night. everything was quite the same. underwear lying on the floor beside the same pile of dirty socks but, and this is a big but, the feeling was differant. the mood had swung. i am now on the first rung on the ladder to middle age.

did i say this day seemed special. it was more like impossibly depressing. did the same old routine and now i know im gonna have to get the fuck out of here or im just going to burst. imagine that, blood, gore and tons and tons of lard splashed all over the place. sorry, my mental imagination seems to be driven by a extreme urge to mutilate my till machine.

anyway, back to my thoughts on the day after my 22nd birthday, which for some reason a lot of my friends forgot. and funnily enough most of the people who did remember are the ones whose birthdays i forgot myslef. its like im being paid back for my past forgetfullnes. something like this would never even have been an issue with me a couple of years ago. i pratically forgot my own birthday but now, i still dont care, but its an issue if you get what im saying.

that said, i cannot forget the people who didnt forget, actually it would be better say 'remembered'. i love you guys, thank you so so much. you wont understand how much it meant to me.

those of you who forgot, i still love you. but i wont buy you any chocolate when i get back. hahahahahahahaha...i am evil, am i not?

shit, i told you i was getting older. lets just dump all the emotional hooblah (my own word) shall we? i was reading this awesome blog the other day and i really connected with most of the things she was talking about cos i went through all those feelings half a decade ago (the oldness shines through doesnt it). well any way, she was talking about the sick cycle that kids and parents seem to be in today. luckily, mine were cool so i had a pretty relaxed time growing up. did a lot of stupid stuff and now i wont do them again but my parents knew i was doing them they told me it was wrong but let me make my own decisions. but a lot of friends of mine were put under super pressure from their folks and they had to do a lot of silly stuff to hide their stupid, more fun, activities.

most parents, at some level, know what their children are upto. time for a personal stroy. this story's about my my first real reationship, in common parlance, my first girlfriend. we had a brilliant time. but she went through something that resembles hell. you know, the place that has a lot of fire and a red dude with tails and a horn poking his hapless victims with a trident. no this is not some bdsm shit. yeah, that hell!!!well anyway, we had some really good times but apparently her parents would have killed her if they found out. now im sure that her mom knew. so why not drop the charade, accept the fact that human beings, male or female, are attracted to the opposite sex. there are those of us who swing differantly, but i'll go into that another time.

why can they not accpet that its all part of growing up. a lot of people say that its all because of the influence of the west. there's a lot the west can offer that is good and if we accept that globalisation has changed the way the world is today we can begin to infuse the good from around the world into the indian way. makes sense eh? by trying to suppress something that will not be put down will only make us rebel and do things that aren't so good. so all you over bearing parents, "wake the fuck up. take a good look at the world and you'll see that times have changed and the faster you realise that, the better".

but i have some harsh views on suicide. i think its wrong. frankly its more than wrong, its cowardly and stupid. its said that we cannot make a judgement unless we have walked a mile in the person's shoes. in my opinion, nothing is that bad that we have no other choice but to take our own life. seriously, think about it. there's always an answer to every problem. and its upto us to take life by its unfairs tail and make it move in the direction that we want it to. its not like i'm a-sympathetic toward people who decide to take that extreme act and end their life. some people have it really rough, like the poor farmers in andhra pradesh, and for them it really seems like there's no way out.  for them there is some justification. some, not a lot. but for people who do it because some girl wont go out with them,no way man, for them its just pity. pity at their utter stupidity and lack of the basic courage to face up to the shit this life thorws at them. personally, i feel that life's not always bad and yes though the lumps of crap come flying thick and fast at times, there is always something to feel thankful and happy for.

come to think of it. i love my life and the lows just make the highs seem so much higher. the sad times make the joy so much more intense and its for those times that i live. till then i only exist. until that moment when i can feel my presence in this world. my presence, that fills the immidiate space around with all encompassing joy. thats why we are all here, to enjoy every possible minute so that every day slowly becomes better than the rest.

 

Posted by sana at 21:05:44 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

today

today was the sort of day u enjoy only if u work in a mindless job like i do.i actually got grief from a couple of 16 year old girls for smoking and enjoyed it. the sad state that is my life. i swear i will never use the words "next please", "hi" or "thank u" in the span of three minutes ever unless its absolutely necessary!!
got up with a wierd feeling maily cos i got stoned last night. this is after more than a year of being clean so dont dismiss this as the raving, ok mild raving, ramblings of a junkie.surprise surprise, i couldnt smoke the shit. not because it was bad but maily because it didnt give me the same rush as it used to. last night was probably my last ever dance with mary jane, man. its the end of an era. a new begining. or, and this is probably closer to the truth, im growing old....aaaaaaa!!!i sound middle aged.
i have been trying to get some perspective and direction on my life for a while now and i just cant seem to figure any thing out. maybe im meant to be a free spirit, a planetary being. or maybe im a lazy fuck and im not trying hard enough. its possible but then again i really dont care. the only thing i want out of this life is to be happy nd ive found that its really not that hard. we can all go on about how bad life is for us and how screwed up we are but then we miss out on the good stuff. like waking up in the morning. im not a morning person believe me, but there's something marvelous about early mornings. like we are closer to god. if u notice, human beings, how much ever they complain about waking up, are much happier in the morning. it so much easier to smile. the worst time of the day is probably the after noon. i hate them, except lunch time maybe!hehe.
there are times in ur life when u fell like ur stuck. u get what im saying rite. im not talking quick sand like stuck but more like tar. there's no sinking. sinking would actually be moving in a certain direction, and that would actually be a positive. to move backwards in order to get ahead. but im stuck. and its frustrating. but i know il get by. ive been there before.
 
Posted by sana at 21:04:54 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |

why?

im trying to find the reason for our existance, and in turn find the reason for mine. its not like im a fatalist and im definitly not a pessimist but sometimes its required that we, as rational beings, question our place on this planet and in the circle of life. yes, before anybody starts, i just plagiarised the lion king.
but isnt it funny how human beings can have so much control over the fate of the third rock from the sun. by the mere fact that we have a certain well developed sixth sense. not all of us i admit, and those who dont go about behaving like the very animals we are supposed to lord over. we are definitely not the most physically powerful. nor are we the largest. we cannot live of land for extended periods and we cannot fly (naturally, without an aircraft). the bottom line is that we have no super power other than this incredibly wonderful 'organ', as pri stresses it is, our 'brain' that makes us numero uno.
but what do we do with this power? we proceed to destroy our home, our fellow man and cause havoc all around. true that man has come up with some brilliant stuff and we have moved some considerable distance from our cave dwelling ancestors but how much exactly have we progressed. this seems stupid since i just said that we have moved on since the neanderthal but the question is not if we have stopped living like animals but if we have stopped behaving like them.
one just needs to look at the behaviour of some of the most powerful people on earth, elected leaders to represent the masses in the democracies, and the self established or imposed rulers to see that some of us really do not see the need use their brains! they may be a handful so cannot represent the larger part of out species but then what about the individual. how many times do we see a hungry person and try appease that hunger. personally, i dont do it very often. and i dont think its possible to get rid of poverty, or disease or famine. that would be utopian, a dream, good but impossible. or atleast in our lifetimes. that does not mean we sould not try but we must know that our actions are for the most part a drop in the ocean. it requires more than just a hundred!
i dont know where this is going. but these are just thoughts. things that at times play on my mind.
Posted by sana at 21:04:01 | Permanent Link | Comments (0) |